The Woodcock: a Pornographic Parody Poem Inspired by Poe

Regretfully written by Zac Blakemore and illustrated by Grga Calic from Ogilvy, Melbourne.

Inspiration can come from anywhere, and the best ideas come from combining inspiration from different places.

After a month in isolation, combining Edgar Allen Poe with this Reddit post led to… something else.

THE WOODCOCK
A pornographic parody poem inspired by Poe
15 April 2020 | Day 30 in isolation

Once upon a lazy morning, while I perused, hard and horny,
Through many candid, kinky clips of hardcore porn—
While I stroked there, nearly fapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my bedroom door.
“It must be my housemate knocking softly at my door.
This,” I said, “and nothing more.”

I remember well that masturbation, I was stuck in isolation
And each morning I would choke the chicken just to keep from growing bored.
Sweat was gleaming on my chest but I could take no time to rest,
My housemate waited for me just outside my bedroom door.
“I’m coming!” I cried as I opened wide my bedroom door,
Where I found an empty hallway, nothing more.

And then I saw, small and stocky, with head nodding, seeming cocky,
A little bird was striding toward me o’er the hallway floor.
“What the fuck?” I muttered, as between my legs he strutted
And with a flirty flutter he implored me to shut the door,
Then demanded something I would never have believed before,
Quoth the Woodcock “On all fours.”

With his Woodcock wings he wanked me, clawed at me, choked me, spanked me;
With a cry he made me spill birdseed upon the floor.
Then, a broken man, I crumbled and quite feebly I mumbled,
“Please, good Woodcock, rock me not one moment more!”
As he looked upon my sweaty, heaving mass upon the floor,
Quoth the Woodcock “You’re a whore!”